Rise week 3 - Monster

Something is building up in me.
There is something developing.
But I can not catch it.
I can not catch it yet with names and symbols.
It's all in my body.
Hopefully it will grow, then I might be able to catch and save it.

Everyone is writing now.
I can not catch a thing between the pages of my notebook.
Barnaby is sitting with closed eyes.
Outside on the tree a pigeon.
The tree is huge and still without any green yet.
It's a huge tree in a berlin backyard.
It has to be huge in order to catch at least a bit
of sun and its warmth between the massive kreuzberg houses.
The evening sun projects the top branches of the tree
onto a high firewall made only out of bricks.
The wall is a monster, a beautiful monster
made of thousands of small bricks and
each little brick is an universe.

Rise week 2 - a different point of view

The periphery exercise.
Experimenting with my field of view. The whole becomes the focus.
My well known focus vanishes.
As I stop moving my eye balls, my center of the body
guides my visual perception.
This turns me into a different creature.
Being a different creature is interesting.

The creature thinks that either
no one is seeing it while it is able to see all the other creatures
or that everyone is able to see it while it can not see them at all;
or is it both, or none of it, or something totally different.
It's interesting to be a creature that is not sure
about other creatures around it. There might be
some other creatures or not.
There might be some sort of conscious interaction or not.
But, clearly there is something, something interesting.
The creature starts to trust that there is something
out there which the creature itself is unable to see,
only feeling it might be an option.

Rise week 1 - where to go

There is no direction, and it's not funny.
Waiting is not an option because it makes me disappear.
I feel it. It's not nice.
I fall into the search mode, tension emerges in my body and gets stronger.
I am not here to disappear, I am here to be present.
What ever that means?

My talking is movement, my watching is movement.

There is this watching-copying exercise.
Once again, my talking is movement, my watching is movement.
It goes back and forth.
Copying equal developing.
Developing equal deleting.
Deleting goes back to copying.
Copying equal developing.
It goes back an forth
while all of us turn slowly into shadows.

A crow jumps around on the roofs opposite the studio.
There is clearly an intention.
A woman is cooking in her kitchen opposite the studio.
There is clearly an intention.
I am on stage in front of an audience.
Just me.
Just the audience.
I try to do the exercise well, again just the exercise.
Apart from this no clear intention, again.
I stare into my emptiness again;
not brave enough again to look, watch, to perceive, to be.
I am aware of it again.
Then the judging "again" resolves, something happens.
First: This "again" makes me stiff, now I feel it.
Second: I take this stiffness as something to work on.
Happily I say to myself that there is always an alternative to stiffness.
Third: I am not worried, yes, I am not worried at all.
Finally, I am easy realizing that this stiffness is one point to start from.
Yes, here I can start... to
go finding, not searching.