Rise week 1 - where to go

There is no direction, and it's not funny.
Waiting is not an option because it makes me disappear.
I feel it. It's not nice.
I fall into the search mode, tension emerges in my body and gets stronger.
I am not here to disappear, I am here to be present.
What ever that means?

My talking is movement, my watching is movement.

There is this watching-copying exercise.
Once again, my talking is movement, my watching is movement.
It goes back and forth.
Copying equal developing.
Developing equal deleting.
Deleting goes back to copying.
Copying equal developing.
It goes back an forth
while all of us turn slowly into shadows.

A crow jumps around on the roofs opposite the studio.
There is clearly an intention.
A woman is cooking in her kitchen opposite the studio.
There is clearly an intention.
I am on stage in front of an audience.
Just me.
Just the audience.
I try to do the exercise well, again just the exercise.
Apart from this no clear intention, again.
I stare into my emptiness again;
not brave enough again to look, watch, to perceive, to be.
I am aware of it again.
Then the judging "again" resolves, something happens.
First: This "again" makes me stiff, now I feel it.
Second: I take this stiffness as something to work on.
Happily I say to myself that there is always an alternative to stiffness.
Third: I am not worried, yes, I am not worried at all.
Finally, I am easy realizing that this stiffness is one point to start from.
Yes, here I can start... to
go finding, not searching.